Why I’m Done Coming Out: Ditching the Declaration of Sexual Orientation
Challenging Double Standards With Pride
I’m no longer coming out. Why do I have to declare my sexual orientation? No more.
20 years ago, it was a warm June night, and my two best gal pals and I wanted to drink underage to celebrate my friend’s nineteenth birthday. The three of us had recently concluded our freshman year in college and we were ready to show what we learned in college–that we were cool and could handle our alcohol. Since I felt like I had successfully achieved suave adult status, I invited the girls over to my place for some beverages. Technically it was my parents’ house so like any upscale gentleman, I invited them to my parents’ basement. It’s the best I could do.
We waited until the cover of the night after my parents had drifted off to sleep, and only then did the three of us slink down the stairs, bottles clanking in our bookbags. We were going to rage! (quietly)
We sat at a dusty table, under a dinghy light, playing drinking games and gossiping about our friends from home and college. It was a blast. Unfortunately, we were smokers (so gross, I’ve since quit) so every so often we bopped up and down the basement stairs, tip-toeing outside until we were out of hearing range, ready to rip some heat.
This continued for hours, getting more tipsy as the clock ticked toward midnight. Each cigarette break grew louder and louder, our alcohol-soaked brains thinking we were noiseless, outsmarting my naive parents.
Obviously, my parents were smarter than I gave them credit for and they knew some things about partying and underage drinking. And they had ears.
Close to 1:00 am, we threw our burned-down cancer sticks into the street, heading back to the party zone–aka the musty basement.
As we approached the door, my Mom popped out of the stairwell, fury radiating outward. Busted. Party over.
My friends grabbed their belongings as if they were just about to leave anyway, and left me alone to deal with the wrath. Suddenly, I was a kid again, breaking the rules, I knew I was about to be slammed with a barrage of consequences. I had to think of some way to soften the blow.
I’ve got it! I’ll tell my Mom I’m gay and distract her from her anger. And so that’s what I did and it worked. I intended to avoid punishment and instead, I had a heart-to-heart with my Mom that I will remember for the rest of my life.
Even though my family is on the liberal side, it was 2004 and homosexuality was not mainstream the way it is today. Also, my formative years occurred during the Matthew Shepard era where you could brutally lose your life just for being you. So many gay people were afraid for their lives. At a minimum, they worried about being disowned by their families and ending up homeless. These were all tangible terrors at the time.
So I was worried my family would cut me out of their lives. Fortunately, after I revealed my secret, it was uneventful and my family responded with an “And?” and kept it moving.
It was a relief. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I had a supportive family and yet, the stress and anxiety of “my big secret” weighed me down for years as I worked to accept myself. I can’t even imagine what that must have been like for individuals who knew they did not have that kind of support.
Forcing LGBTQ+ humans to declare themselves, needs to end. We should all get to enjoy the privilege of living as our authentic selves in peace like the majority of cishet folks do.
Even though I was out at 18, I wasn’t screaming it from the mountain tops. With every new person I met, I dreaded the conversation where I had to acknowledge my sexuality and essentially come out over and over again. It was exhausting.
Ultimately, no one ever gave a shit or they already knew or they could not care less. It was such an event for me but was a non-event for everyone else. Still, society expects us to acknowledge our gayness at every turn. Straight people don’t have these expectations. They don’t live in dread, fearing being found out, avoiding the day they must announce themselves to the world.
Straight people get to talk about their wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, and partners, without being required to qualify or label themselves. They can just live their lives, easy breezy.
Why does it have to be a big event? if we take a page from their book, we can stop making a huge production of it and we can normalize it.
That’s why I am refusing to come out to new people in my life anymore. I’m just going to talk about my boyfriend like the straights and everyone can deduce whatever they want.
It’s like the world of Schitts Creek where everyone is accepted and your sexuality is not a topic. You love who you love. Period.
The wine conversation between David and Stevie gives me chills every time, where the types of wines are a metaphor for sexuality. It’s so uncomplicated and freeing.
That world leaves room for everyone to be who they are and it’s a non-event. It also makes space for exploration, no one should feel locked into anything.
When I was coming into my own, with my friends, I communicated my sexuality in percentages–I was confused and probably in denial too but it helped me navigate the unknown. One day I was 60% straight, 30% bisexual, and 10% gay and the next I would be 50/50 bisexual/gay. It was a journey and I was finding out what I liked.
I tasted some rose and sampled some whites but quickly realized I’m a red wine drinker through and through.
If it’s that basic, why do we have to announce our sexual orientation and no one else does? The cishet population is not expected to come out that they like the opposite sex, it’s a double standard. Let’s change the narrative. It should be all or nothing, either everyone announces their sexuality or no one has to.
I vote we take a note from Schitts Creek where we’d live in a world where it’s commonplace to live authentically without making a big deal about who we love. It seems pretty simple to me.
For that reason, I’m done coming out, I’m just me and I love who I love. Cool?
The Matthew Shepard Foundation is dedicated to erasing hate and fostering a more inclusive world for everyone. Inspired by the legacy of Matthew Shepard, the Foundation empowers individuals to embrace diversity, advocate for LGBTQ+ rights, and create safe, inclusive communities. Visit the Matthew Shepard Foundation to learn more, get involved, and support their impactful work.